"Letting go" of a child with serious mental illness

There isn't a specific day that I recall that it was suddenly apparent to me that my teen had a serious mental illness. Like the most difficult puzzle, pieces began falling into place, their shape and color unfamiliar and frightening. I do remember when a psychiatrist looked at all three of us and said, "I'm going to help you." My husband and I wept with relief. She was getting SSI but there was basically no help from the public system - so we paid. We spent our dearly saved money with abandon because we would have done almost anything to help her. Because my husband had taught parenting classes based on the book, Positive Discipline, we knew that we could not control her and her having a serious mental illness didn't change that. Like using carrots to draw a horse closer to you, we knew that the only power we had to influence her recovery was to make sure that she wanted our input. I've always believed that my children (all 4) would define what success meant to them, so I think I was more open than a lot of parents about the life she might create. We refused to talk about disabilities - our focus was her strengths and gifts and how to bring those forward. "Challenges" became adaptations for the life that she could have. So we treated her as we always had - we just had to include considerations for things like: medication, coping with school schedules, mood swings, an unfamiliar peer group, and perceptions that were sometimes skewed. We searched for resources for teens - they basically didn't exist. We were on our own and we knew it. She did eventually attend an in house residential program for co-occurring disorders. Even though she was under 18, we gave her the choice of attending so that if she succeeded it would be her success - not ours. She said "Yes". They helped give her tools for her recovery toolbox. When she came home we began adding other tools to support her in her quest for independence. By our "letting go", bit by bit she began to develop skills and successes that slowly built her confidence and self esteem. Little by little she took back her life.

How I will vote Tuesday, May 19th

Nothing is clearer to me than the fact that "mere mortals" are trying to fix the California Economy and none of them are geniuses or even close. That said I do recognize that because of past leadership decisions this state is in BIG Trouble. But should we accept solutions that are born on the backs of our littlest and most vulnerable people - children and the mentally ill? I will vote NO.
The Governor has threatened all of us with his May Revise Budget. My email at work is filled with shock and terror from the California Primary Care Association about what our legislators are proposing to do. We MUST NOT submit to these scare tactics and we must hold these leaders accountable to reasonable NOT political fixes. We're all very busy, but I urge you to become informed about the other Props on the ballot. A NO vote on Prop. 1E is a given (at least I hope) for you but what about the rest? Some information resources are here. Please take a look or a listen if you are still considering how to vote. You can get information about the election through The Secretary of State or you can call (800) 345-8683. You can listen to Rusty Selix a legislative lobbyist for mental health and Delaine Eastin a former assemblywoman talk about children's services with Prop 10 on a KQED call-in program that aired Monday.
HOW I WILL VOTE:
Voter's have voted for two revenue generating propositions that direct money to two specific issues: Prop 10 (First Five for Children) and Prop 63 (Mental Health Services Act). As voters we should be concerned about a precedent being set that allows our leadership to undermine our decisions. These propositions should NOT be placed on the ballot for a re vote (Prop 1D & 1E). Any concerns about "surplus" revenues, administration or programs that are implemented should be addressed through the appropriate administrative guidelines.
My vote:
1A Change in Ca Budget Process: I will vote NO because it will give the state permission to further cut Health & Human Services in future years and allow them to say that voters approved.
1B Education Funding: I will vote NO because in my opinion this was a backroom deal for support of 1A from the Calif. Teachers Assoc.(BTW my husband is a teacher).
1C Change in the Lottery: As of this writing, I am still researchingbecause I am unclear about what actually is happening.
1D "Protects Children's Services" I will vote NO . This is absolutely not true. This will cut Prop 10 money for 0-5 children, eliminate or cut services and there is no guarantee that this money will be dedicated to children.
1E Mental Health Services Funding - Temporary Reallocation: I will vote NO on this. There is no guarantee that this money will go to anything but the general fund. And while it is listed as "temporary", it takes money from the cycles of surplus. Because tax revenues are dramatically declining we will not see this level of "surplus" for many, many years - if at all and there are still many plans to be approved for counties.
1E Elected Officials' Salaries - I will vote YES .
Californians I hope to see you at the polls. To everyone else, I hope your family is healthy and you're able to pay attention to the politics of health care. Please don't hesitate to contact me with questions or concerns. Our governance is born through discussion and the sharing of ideals.
All my best...

Mondays' References: Adolescent Depression, and others

It's Monday and it feels like Monday - lots of challenges or maybe it's just that my digestion is out of whack and I feel lousy! Ugh! I get a lot of info and a lot of ideas around the issues related to mental health, mental illness and families. So I thought I would put together a couple of some of the more important references and referrals for a quick look.
First, from a friend who is a constant and effective activist for children's mental health: The United States Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) recommendations on Depression Screenings for Adolescents. This group is urging physicians across America to routinely screen adolescents between the ages of 12 to 18 years old when appropriate services are in place for diagnosis, treatment and follow-up. THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION SO PLEASE CHECK IT OUT.
Do you know about Mental Health America? Check them out for lots of great info, ideas, and referrals - plus they are having a conference in DC in June.
NAMI has introduced a Family Guide: Reinvesting in the Community: A Family Guide to Expanding Home and Community-Based Mental Health Services and Supports. This will inform families about the importance of expanding the home and community-based supports available to children and youth with mental illness and their families.
So, check these out and I'll catch up with you later in the week...

You are a good mother

There are a pair of doves building a nest in the grape arbor off my deck. Like the birds of peace they carry their twigs, threads, and our springer's fur softly in their tiny beaks as they prepare a place for their babies. It's wonderful and hopeful and reminds me of our family preparing for the births of our babies. We worked to make everything perfect for our babies - miracles of our love made real. But the really hard part of parenting is that no matter what you do or how much you prepare and protect, eventually that baby says their first "No!" and toddles off because they know they need to start their own life. The protection we instinctively give now becomes their burden and sometimes their handicap and if we aren't careful...it can "debilitate" them.
Their struggle is not only their illness, but sometimes it is us. Because we are afraid and our fear limits our ability to trust their decisions. We fear the life threatening choices that our kids may make: crime, sex, drugs, homelessness, gambling, credit card debt, and violence towards others and themselves. But does our fear prevent us from offering them opportunities that could lead to individuation and accomplishment? Their developmental path might not be linear and the progress they make might seem out of the range of what we label "normal" - whatever that is. But as parent's of SMI children we are challenged to understand what other's can't, to trust when other's will label and discriminate and to guide our children toward independence in spite of our fear AND experiences. It's up to us to recognize our limitations and frailties, because giving our children the opportunity to fail, is also giving them the opportunity to succeed. And it is those experiences that build strength, resiliency and independence.
I hope you all have a great Mother's Day. Simple or extravagant, I hope it is filled with hope, confidence and love. You are a good Mother.

Manipulation or desperation - SMI Children Need Help

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had more than one mother I know reach out for
help to the NAMI Parent Network in search of support and answers about how to cope with their mentally ill child. Sometimes, the child is an adult who has “burned bridges” and drained savings. Sometimes, the child is an adolescent who living at home, pushes boundaries that are normal for teens and at the same time is making choices that we know are detrimental to their search for independence and autonomy.
As caring parents, there is no relief from our belief that we are the default provider for our children. We made that commitment the day those little bundles of pink or blue were placed in our arms. So what can we do?
I offer the following list as my “guide posts”. They are not carved in stone. They help me cope. In my view it is not a question of manipulation or desperation - whatever they are doing, they are asking for help. Whether we give it is the burden we carry every day because we live with the fact that if something happens, maybe we could have prevented it.

1. Admit that we have little control with adolescents and no control after the age of 18.
2. Have a limit in our mind of how much of our savings, retirement, and family resources we can commit to their struggle and make a plan about how to optimize that figure. (This is something we can have control over. And it is a plan, so we can amend it if we want/need to.) PS: Don’t spend all your savings and retirement. I remind myself by thinking of the instructions on a plane for oxygen masks – “put the mask on yourself first”.
3. Learn EVERYTHING we can about the illness by reading, participating and talking with anyone and everyone who has a piece of the answer.
4. Let them try things and fail – this is especially important for teens. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. Don’t deny them the opportunity.
5. Give them opportunities to be “normal”. Even in the midst of a crisis it’s important to recognize that we can capture moments of peace, love and laughter. And these moments can sustain us for times when we struggle. And make sure it’s what’s “normal” for them – even if it’s Rocky Horror Picture Show.
6. Psychosis requires special approaches including medication for most. But understand other approaches for those times when the Rx isn’t effective.
7. When our children are a threat to themselves or others, we should get professional support to navigate the options. In the meantime, for your own suicide coping education, find a local QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer) Class.

Loving them is the easy part, helping them is our challenge.

The Freefall of Accepting Change

There was no Easter celebration this year...no baskets, no colored eggs, no special feast and no church. It wasn't a crisis, just the inevitable change in family patterns that happen when kids move away to start their own lives. It's what we parents say we want, "they need to grow up ...fend for themselves,... start their own lives..." but when one of your kids is diagnosed with a serious mental illness, or probably any illness, suddenly what you "always wanted" dissolves into thin air and what you thought would happen is replaced by what you thought would never happen; psycotropic medications, therapy, self injury, drugs and alcohol and sometimes attempts on their own lives. Because they are sick, they might be unrecognizable, irrational, irritable, and occassionally psychotic. They also are witnessing the loss of their own life...the life they thought they would have. Because we are parents or loved ones, we do whatever we can...haggle with insurance companies, haggle with school systems, research medications, sit with them, join NAMI. But we are often no match to the challenges ahead. I don't know of any more difficult change in a family. Serious mental illness can be a future of treacherous experiences. The beginning of recovery in our family meant accepting the changes in our lives, letting go of what we thought would be our life, and maintaining our love and committment to each other. It all mattered, but sustaining her with our belief that she could master these challenges and allowing her to attempt and sometimes fail was our "freefall".

The road to Family Recovery and the SF Giants

I didn't always love the Giants but I was a fan of baseball. One summer it was the only comfort and diversion for me and my husband after our child became ill. I'm not sure when we began to connect the dots of alcohol abuse, self injury and finally drugs. But when we did, we felt we had no choice but to send her packing because drugs were never something that could be tolerated in our lives. She was very young - adolescence - and of course we had no idea what it all meant. It was so hard to figure out where normal puberty and adolescence became something else entirely. And we knew nothing about mental illness. As we watched her walk away from our lives that day, down the sidewalk to nowhere, I felt like my heart was being pulled out of my chest and the horror was that it was still beating. Even now the pain is almost unbearable and I try to avoid the memory. But she left, and for all of us it would be the beginning of her recovery and a very happy ending (more on that later). I guess people call it tough love - but tough doesn't begin to describe the pain of it. How we got through the toil of daily living I don't really know, except we're all pretty clear that Giant's Games became the defining diversion that allowed us to forget the loss of what we had known as our family. Remnants were left, shreds really of a life that once had been the foundation of our family. We watched daily and learned everything we could about individual players. We screamed when they missed a ball, we cracked up at Kruk and Kype and all their sayings, "Grab some pine meat" and YaHoo! We hated umpires, and mocked managers and for a couple of hours anyway, we were just another American Family, enjoying an American tradition. It's weird to think now, that in that summer we were beginning to build our new life, our new foundation. Giant's Games allowed us to begin again.