Manipulation or desperation - SMI Children Need Help

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had more than one mother I know reach out for
help to the NAMI Parent Network in search of support and answers about how to cope with their mentally ill child. Sometimes, the child is an adult who has “burned bridges” and drained savings. Sometimes, the child is an adolescent who living at home, pushes boundaries that are normal for teens and at the same time is making choices that we know are detrimental to their search for independence and autonomy.
As caring parents, there is no relief from our belief that we are the default provider for our children. We made that commitment the day those little bundles of pink or blue were placed in our arms. So what can we do?
I offer the following list as my “guide posts”. They are not carved in stone. They help me cope. In my view it is not a question of manipulation or desperation - whatever they are doing, they are asking for help. Whether we give it is the burden we carry every day because we live with the fact that if something happens, maybe we could have prevented it.

1. Admit that we have little control with adolescents and no control after the age of 18.
2. Have a limit in our mind of how much of our savings, retirement, and family resources we can commit to their struggle and make a plan about how to optimize that figure. (This is something we can have control over. And it is a plan, so we can amend it if we want/need to.) PS: Don’t spend all your savings and retirement. I remind myself by thinking of the instructions on a plane for oxygen masks – “put the mask on yourself first”.
3. Learn EVERYTHING we can about the illness by reading, participating and talking with anyone and everyone who has a piece of the answer.
4. Let them try things and fail – this is especially important for teens. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. Don’t deny them the opportunity.
5. Give them opportunities to be “normal”. Even in the midst of a crisis it’s important to recognize that we can capture moments of peace, love and laughter. And these moments can sustain us for times when we struggle. And make sure it’s what’s “normal” for them – even if it’s Rocky Horror Picture Show.
6. Psychosis requires special approaches including medication for most. But understand other approaches for those times when the Rx isn’t effective.
7. When our children are a threat to themselves or others, we should get professional support to navigate the options. In the meantime, for your own suicide coping education, find a local QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer) Class.

Loving them is the easy part, helping them is our challenge.

The Freefall of Accepting Change

There was no Easter celebration this year...no baskets, no colored eggs, no special feast and no church. It wasn't a crisis, just the inevitable change in family patterns that happen when kids move away to start their own lives. It's what we parents say we want, "they need to grow up ...fend for themselves,... start their own lives..." but when one of your kids is diagnosed with a serious mental illness, or probably any illness, suddenly what you "always wanted" dissolves into thin air and what you thought would happen is replaced by what you thought would never happen; psycotropic medications, therapy, self injury, drugs and alcohol and sometimes attempts on their own lives. Because they are sick, they might be unrecognizable, irrational, irritable, and occassionally psychotic. They also are witnessing the loss of their own life...the life they thought they would have. Because we are parents or loved ones, we do whatever we can...haggle with insurance companies, haggle with school systems, research medications, sit with them, join NAMI. But we are often no match to the challenges ahead. I don't know of any more difficult change in a family. Serious mental illness can be a future of treacherous experiences. The beginning of recovery in our family meant accepting the changes in our lives, letting go of what we thought would be our life, and maintaining our love and committment to each other. It all mattered, but sustaining her with our belief that she could master these challenges and allowing her to attempt and sometimes fail was our "freefall".

The road to Family Recovery and the SF Giants

I didn't always love the Giants but I was a fan of baseball. One summer it was the only comfort and diversion for me and my husband after our child became ill. I'm not sure when we began to connect the dots of alcohol abuse, self injury and finally drugs. But when we did, we felt we had no choice but to send her packing because drugs were never something that could be tolerated in our lives. She was very young - adolescence - and of course we had no idea what it all meant. It was so hard to figure out where normal puberty and adolescence became something else entirely. And we knew nothing about mental illness. As we watched her walk away from our lives that day, down the sidewalk to nowhere, I felt like my heart was being pulled out of my chest and the horror was that it was still beating. Even now the pain is almost unbearable and I try to avoid the memory. But she left, and for all of us it would be the beginning of her recovery and a very happy ending (more on that later). I guess people call it tough love - but tough doesn't begin to describe the pain of it. How we got through the toil of daily living I don't really know, except we're all pretty clear that Giant's Games became the defining diversion that allowed us to forget the loss of what we had known as our family. Remnants were left, shreds really of a life that once had been the foundation of our family. We watched daily and learned everything we could about individual players. We screamed when they missed a ball, we cracked up at Kruk and Kype and all their sayings, "Grab some pine meat" and YaHoo! We hated umpires, and mocked managers and for a couple of hours anyway, we were just another American Family, enjoying an American tradition. It's weird to think now, that in that summer we were beginning to build our new life, our new foundation. Giant's Games allowed us to begin again.

The Perfect Pill

If you have a minute, check out the Perfect Pill blog and reference to You Tube
It's a kick for all but if you have someone who deals with depression or mania - this is just great to help us put it into perspective.
*One speaker uses the F word.
Have a great day today!
Tish

The power of humor to challenge psychosis

When our family member became ill, we had no idea about mental illness, psychiatry and especially "recovery". Like many families I have spoken with, our lives were turned upside down and thrown over a cliff. The pain of it all was excruciating, but I think we kept thinking about how hard it was for her. She knew something was wrong but of course she couldn't quite figure out what it was. Our family attacked the illness on every front - psychiatry, letting go of expectations about school, and letting go of friends, church, savings, - you name it, we cast it to the wind. That life was gone and in it's place was something unfamiliar, scary, and difficult. But one of things we learned through that process (and there were many lessons ahead of us) was that humor was powerful enough to challenge and sometimes limit psychosis. Once in the deep of night our daughter (we have two daughters and two sons) was terrified by visions and voices. They were mean and threatening and always debilitating. We called a helpline, out of the area(recommended by the psychiatrist). The person on the other end of the line, after talking for a little while suggested that we watch a movie together, a funny one she said. We all love The Birdcage nothing can make us laugh more. It seemed stupid at the time. But when you are truly desperate you'll try anything. We popped the VHS in, sat beside her and watched a seriously funny movie. Within about 45 minutes, her fists softened, her shoulders dropped and she snuggled between her dad and I falling into a light sleep. I think we all learned something that night about coping with mental illness:
there are some things that can be done to help control some of the symptoms.