Manipulation or desperation - SMI Children Need Help

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had more than one mother I know reach out for
help to the NAMI Parent Network in search of support and answers about how to cope with their mentally ill child. Sometimes, the child is an adult who has “burned bridges” and drained savings. Sometimes, the child is an adolescent who living at home, pushes boundaries that are normal for teens and at the same time is making choices that we know are detrimental to their search for independence and autonomy.
As caring parents, there is no relief from our belief that we are the default provider for our children. We made that commitment the day those little bundles of pink or blue were placed in our arms. So what can we do?
I offer the following list as my “guide posts”. They are not carved in stone. They help me cope. In my view it is not a question of manipulation or desperation - whatever they are doing, they are asking for help. Whether we give it is the burden we carry every day because we live with the fact that if something happens, maybe we could have prevented it.

1. Admit that we have little control with adolescents and no control after the age of 18.
2. Have a limit in our mind of how much of our savings, retirement, and family resources we can commit to their struggle and make a plan about how to optimize that figure. (This is something we can have control over. And it is a plan, so we can amend it if we want/need to.) PS: Don’t spend all your savings and retirement. I remind myself by thinking of the instructions on a plane for oxygen masks – “put the mask on yourself first”.
3. Learn EVERYTHING we can about the illness by reading, participating and talking with anyone and everyone who has a piece of the answer.
4. Let them try things and fail – this is especially important for teens. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn. Don’t deny them the opportunity.
5. Give them opportunities to be “normal”. Even in the midst of a crisis it’s important to recognize that we can capture moments of peace, love and laughter. And these moments can sustain us for times when we struggle. And make sure it’s what’s “normal” for them – even if it’s Rocky Horror Picture Show.
6. Psychosis requires special approaches including medication for most. But understand other approaches for those times when the Rx isn’t effective.
7. When our children are a threat to themselves or others, we should get professional support to navigate the options. In the meantime, for your own suicide coping education, find a local QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer) Class.

Loving them is the easy part, helping them is our challenge.